Terra Firma
by coldfusion9797
Summary: Nobody blames Peter Quill more than himself. Post Infinity War.


**AN:** **Because I love Peter Quill, will always love Peter Quill, and one mistake ain't gonna change that.**

"Steady Quill..." Those words stick with him. Not so much the words themselves, but the tone they are spoken in, and because of who they are spoken by. He fucked this whole thing up, he knows that. It's his own fault he's probably going to die, that others have died and more will die, and still Tony spares him a thought, sounds as though he actually cares.

One minute, he's there on Titan, and the next everything starts to blur.

"Oh man..." Then everything dissolves, except the words. _Steady Quill_ , somehow he holds onto those.

xxx

He doesn't know how long he drifts, but one day something changes, he feels a pull, and he has a body again. Legs to stand on, a heart to hammer, a gag reflex to throw up.

 _Steady Quill..._

Doubled over, he swallows against the rising bile and forces himself to keep it together.

Then he feels a hand plant solidly on his back.

"Steady Quill."

 _Tony._

He looks up, sees the man himself, feels simultaneous waves of gratitude and guilt.

"You did it."

"Compelling motivation," Tony says, helping Quill stand up straight.

"The kid?"

"Yeah," Tony agrees. "Little bastard makes it impossible not to love him."

"Drax? Mantis?"

"I guess so. I haven't had time to run inventory yet."

If he's okay, there's no reason they shouldn't be too.

"You did it," he repeats, in awe of the man who just defeated Thanos.

xxx

Gamora of course, doesn't come back. His best friend, his voice of reason, his motivation to be a Guardian rather than a straight up hustler, is gone.

He doesn't have the heart for it anymore, and thinks he might settle on Terra. Try to stay out of trouble.

His friends go their own ways. Rocket and Groot decide to tag along with Thor for a bit while he sees if he can rebuild a life for his people. Drax and Mantis disappear along with the Infinity Stones, he trusts them both, and so it seems does Tony.

So things on Earth go back to how they were before Thanos, everyone has their people back. Except him. But then he isn't really one of them. Not anymore. Maybe never was. And he isn't the person he was before the Infinity War either.

Maybe staying is a stupid idea. Maybe he should go. And he might just have done it, except for a voice he can't get out of his head.

 _Steady Quill..._

He decides to hold onto that because Tony is the smartest person he knows.

xxx

Tony is nice to him. Too nice. Because he knows now what it cost the man to fix the mess he made. If he'd kept his shit together for five seconds longer on Titan, Steve Rogers would still be alive. Yeah, he knows all about Captain America, read the comics when he was a kid. Turned out the guy didn't die during the war, that they found him a few years back, frozen under the ice, thawed him out and set him to work as an Avenger. There was a whole mess of stuff in between, stuff he doesn't exactly understand, but he understands enough to know that in the end Tony and the Captain had worked together, fought together, and that they were important to each other.

xxx

It's been months since they won, but he can't shake the guilt, and he sticks to himself mostly, tries to do what he can to help, but doesn't get involved with the social side of things. Loneliness is his penance to pay.

xxx

As time crawls by, an endless loop of guilt and sadness and despair, the universe gives him another punishment. He suffers it silently, steadfast in the knowledge that he deserves it.

It crept up on him, he definitely wasn't looking for it, but it found him anyway.

First it was just gratitude and amazement, but then it hit him. He loves this incredible man. One he could never hope to be worthy of in a million years.

So he watches Tony from afar, and from not so far because he works with him every day, and he pines in private while doing everything he can to make Tony's life easier, smoother, better.

Realising that Tony's feelings mattered more than is own was how he figured out that it really is love.

xxx

It's a little thing, not a big thing, that tips him over one day.

They are cleaning out a forgotten corner of the lab, looking for some gadget, when Tony suddenly stops.

"Everything okay?" Quill checks.

Tony's hand is on a shiny, silver disc.

"It was for Cap."

"Oh..." He knows this is one of those moments, one when he should say something comforting, do whatever he needs to to make Tony feel better, but he can't. Like a ton of bricks it comes crashing down on him, and he can't deal anymore. He can't keep living a lie. He can't pretend to be Tony's friend. Not when he doesn't deserve to be. Not when he's in love with the man.

His head is spinning as he turns for the door. _Steady Quill._ He just needs to get out of here, then he can have this long overdue meltdown in solitude.

"Quill?"

"I gotta..." He doesn't finish that sentence, just gets out of there as quick as he can.

xxx

He's stuffing his clothes in a bag and trying not to hyperventilate when the door of his room cracks open.

"Going somewhere?" That's Tony's way of asking if he's okay. Which he isn't but it doesn't matter anymore. He's made up his mind.

"Yes." He's a little bit proud of that answer because it's the one hundred percent the truth.

"Do you think maybe we could take a second to talk about this?"

"No." Another good answer. Straight to the point, no room for negotiation.

"C'mon," Tony says, stepping into the room. "Talk to me, Quill."

He shakes his head, can't offer any more than that without losing it, and zips the bag up. All he's gotta do is get past Tony, get out the door, and then it's done. The torture will be over, then maybe he can...

His escape is foiled when Tony's hand clamps around his wrist.

His eyes flick up, meeting Tony's, and when he sees the genuine concern there, all the resistance drains out of him. How can Tony be like this?

He feels a little light-headed, doesn't know which way to turn, when Tony catches him.

"Steady Quill."

They end up sitting side by side on the bed, Tony's arm around him.

"I know it's been tough," the older man is telling him. "You lost someone..."

He chokes out a sob, because he did lose Gamora, and everyone, and it hurts, and Tony _noticed._

"But I know it's more than that."

Then he doesn't even try to hold back the tears.

"I messed up," he finally admits out loud. "I messed up so bad..."

Tony wraps his other arm around him and Quill curls into Tony's chest, lets Tony hold him while he cries out all the pain.

"It's not your fault," Tony says, gently rocking them, rubbing slow circles on his back. "Thanos is the only one to blame."

"But if I hadn't-"

"Shh, let it go. We've suffered enough already."

"But Captain America, he's dead because of me."

"No, he made a choice..."

" _You_ lost him because of _me_..."

He needs Tony to acknowledge that. Needs Tony to accept he's not worth the fight, but instead he feels Tony's hands on his face, coaxing him up, so he can look him in the eye. Quill feels puffy and gross, but it's nothing when he sees the unshed tears glistening in Tony's eyes. Tony is the one that matters.

"Don't do this to yourself. I need you here. With me. Do you understand? The man I met on Titan, that bright and determined person, I need him."

"What?" Quill doesn't understand, none of that makes any sense. "He killed half the universe!"

"No, he came up with a brilliant plan and lost his head for a minute because someone he loved was murdered."

Is it possible Tony really believes that? He's too good if he does.

"Why don't you hate me?"

"For God's sake Quill, you made a mistake. We've all done that. God knows I've screwed up plenty of times. Ask anyone about Ultron and what followed in Sokovia. Ask Wanda Maximoff. She'll tell you I'm no saint."

Quill is speechless, he really didn't need any more reasons to love this man.

"Please," Tony says, shifting closer, voice soft and earnest, hands still firmly on Quill's face. "Please say you'll stay."

There is no way in the known universe he can refuse a plea like that. He still can't quite believe Tony wants him around, but then, what Tony needs isn't really Quill's decision to make.

"Where else would I go?" he concedes, pulling Tony into a tight hug.

He doesn't know where this will lead, or what it might become, but he does know that it isn't important. Not right now at least. What matters is being there for the person he loves. So that's what he's gonna do. He's gonna stay and he's gonna let them both start to heal, and maybe one day he might follow Tony's lead and even be able to forgive himself too.


End file.
